4.7.22

I started this blog many years ago when I was in my twenties. At the time, I was in a major rut. I'd been working in non-profit theater since I'd graduated from college. It was fun for awhile -- I loved the access to all the shows and the creative process, but after a few years it stopped being challenging. It also paid next to nothing. I remember oftentimes waking up in a cold sweat with a panic attack, not knowing how I could continue to afford to live in the Bay Area and feeling like I was at a dead end professionally. I went to college to study theater, and like most dumb kids who do that, I didn't have a backup plan (my minor was actually Shakespeare Studies, so that gives you some real insight into my mindset.) To their credit, my parents did push me to consider one, but I was nothing if not extremely stubborn. I wanted to act, and that's what I was going to do. 

Narrator Voice: She did not end up doing that. 

So I was in a studio apartment I could barely afford, working in theater administration with little room for advancement, acting from time to time on the side when I could, and I was fresh off a breakup. I was feeling stuck. I needed something else to do. A creative outlet that also served as a distraction. Like many others in 2009, I hopped on the trend and decided I too should start a blog. Not that I thought anyone would read it. It was mostly just for me, but making it public made me a bit more thoughtful about the editing. Though sometimes I shared too much, and sometimes I felt the need to tie each post up with a neat little bow that didn't actually belong. But when I look back, I can see that there's also a lot that I kept for myself, which still feels right.

As a person who is now firmly planted in middle age, it's a strange experience to look back at this time capsule of my life as a young adult, as it always is when you find something you'd written so long ago. A lot of it makes me cringe. And a lot of it makes me smile. I feel a lot of empathy for that girl who was trying so hard to make something (anything) fit together. I wish I could have told her to relax and enjoy the moment she was in. There was so much about it to love -- looking back now I can see that it was actually a ton of fun. Outside of work I had nearly unlimited time to spend with a close group of friends, explore the Bay Area and devote time to cooking. No real major responsibilities outside of myself. Oh! And it was also during the Obama administration. Those were the days, eh? It felt like an eternity at the time, but it also went by in the blink of an eye. And now, reading back, that girl feels like another person, entirely. But at the same time, she's still me. 

This all sounds pretty cliche, but it's true. 

One thing I did like about blogging was the actual writing. It gave me a chance to process; reflect, feel gratitude for the people in my life, and the experiences I got to have. It gave me an opportunity for self-discovery as well. Sharing it helped me to feel less alone in the process. 

And here I am again. Many years older, and in another creative rut. I know this happens to so many women after they have kids. Your life revolves around kids and house and job. Rinse and repeat. And while there's so much of that that is wonderful and fulfilling, it doesn't feel particularly creative most of the time. I'm in need of another outlet, and feeling a bit overwhelmed in trying to figure out how to fit it in on top of everything else. For the first time in twelve years, I'm thinking about dipping my toe into theater again. Maybe starting with a once a week acting class. Also toying with the idea of piano lessons, which I haven't done since college. But even a couple evenings away during the week can feel like a lot with small kids at home.

So I thought I'd try writing again. Feeling the urge to connect and share. Been awhile since I've felt that way, so I'm going to try and roll with it and see if it helps fill that creative bucket just a tad. I'm trying to remember that I don't have to do it all at once. Small steps get you there eventually, right?

Next time I may even come with a recipe.